My friend and former Sketch42 Real Housewives recapper Sarina came out of retirement to discuss Monday’s season premiere of the RHONJ. Which she watched live. From The Brownstone.
In Franklin Lakes. On second inspection, The Brownstone seems to be in Patterson… which explains a lot.
(The cake at The Brownstone)
Friend: “Sarina, Albie Manzo tweeted about a Real Housewives Of New Jersey premier party that will be held at The Brownstone.”
Friend: “But I didn’t even ask you anything.”
ME: “Doesn’t matter. My answer is YES. HELL YES.”
(Pulling into The Brownstone)
And soon, history was made. Tickets were purchased and my friends and I were ready for the night of a lifetime.
Fifty minutes from the city and a couple of wrong turns later, and we had entered the promised land otherwise known as Franklin Lakes. Now. Although most infomercials will tell you so, this is NOT “as seen on TV” and the term ‘ghetto’ would be a complete understatement. The town is in shambles. The stores are run down and their main attraction is a Skechers® megastore. I didn’t spot any mansions and I didn’t get a chance to pass by The Chateau but had I been given the opportunity, I’d have gotten my hair did. There’s always next time I guess.
We finally pulled up to The Brownstone. My eyes lit up as I pulled in to the parking lot and though I had hoped Christopher would valet my car, turns out that the guy who did park it, wasn’t a Manzo. I asked. Obviously. I was dressed in jeans and flats. I didn’t even consider wearing anything but that. Well. I stood out like a sore thumb. PEOPLE WERE IN COCKTAIL DRESSES AND HEELS. Did they not know we were simply watching a television show? That’s Jersey I guess.
We got our necklaces (Not VIP. There was only so much I was willing to pay for this shindig.) and headed upstairs to the grand ballroom. The place was empty at first. But it filled up soon after. We were all seated and and emcee began to host the event. For some reason Simon and Alex were the first people introduced to the crowd. I don’t know about you, but I’m really get sick of their fame whoring. Next up, all the NEW JERSEY housewives minus Teresa were introduced. I was so upset when I found out she wasn’t going to be there because it meant there’d be no table flipping. Big. Fat. Boo. At first glance, when Melissa was introduced I thought Snooki was up on stage. Tan. Small. Tight clothes. False alarm though. It was Teresa’s sister-in-law who proved to be just as crazy as Snooki. And Teresa’s cousin Kathy, looks just like Teresa with a bit more age in her face.
(Sarina- is the person on the far right- ASHLEY? As in Jaqueline’s daughter? It cant be! This is like when Steph Pratt transformered herself from coked out she-pratt to pretty tall blond chick!)
And finally, the episode. This season looks like it is going to be INSANE. As much as I enjoy a good Guido fight, last night’s episode was tough to watch. I felt terrible for Teresa and her brother. And most of all for their Dad. Viewing as a non-relative was painful, I can only imagine how sad it was for him to watch. I think the most confusing part of the episode was seeing Teresa getting her hair and makeup done. Isn’t she trying to live a more low-key lifestyle? JOE WAS ROLLING OUT PIZZAS FOR GOD’S SAKE!
All I know is, these bitches are crazy. I cannot wait for next week’s episode.
The night ended with a performance by Simon Van Kempen. His new single “I Am Real” was performed live on stage for the entire audience. Listening to him sing was actually BRUTAL. So much so, that we left mid song. The auto tune, the red pants, the hideous dance moves. I’d rather be glued to a chair and have to listen to Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ for the rest of my life. Seriously. Don’t quit your day job Simon.
Oh yeah and one more thing, Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley is tall, skinny, and blonde. Yeah, the one that works for Lizzie Grubman PR.
What do I think? Well, I cant comment on the neighborhood of Franklin Lakes… It may be shabby, but it may not. I know of well-off towns in NJ that dont really have nice shopping areas… So I’m not so alarmed by that.
Also not at all surprised that people were in cocktail dresses. Why? Well, I saw the Sex and the City movie the week it came out, so I am aware that there are chicks that will dress up to sit in the dark and watch TV together.
I’m not even going to discuss the rest of the episode (Although Ashley isnt making herself more likable by seeming MORE SPOILED and useless by A.Not showing up to her internship and B. Thinking her parents should pay for her to live close to said internship- that she doesnt show up to. Any normal kid would have just applied to college in NYC and had their parents foot the bill, and be proud of them too! Dumbass…. On that note- Lizzy Grubman didnt do herself any favors either. “I was exactly like you at your age!” Yikes.)
Anyway- back to the real DRAMA. That crazytown christening… Ive been to many a bris in my lifetime, and wow the jews can snark and gossip with the best of them, but the italians really bring out Hollywood levels of drama! The fists, the sweat, the wailing in italian! HOLY CRAPBALLS! You could have subbed out Joe’s ” YOUR MY FATHER” sobbing for any scene in the godfather or soprano’s and it could have held its own- except for one thing: no one knows what the eff is happening or why these people hate each other… In a nutshell, Teresa and Joe have slighted Melissa and Joe in multiple times and multiple ways… and basically they are just competitive with each other. Thats it. And also, Melissa is what would happen if Teresa had a baby with Alexis from RHOC.
Now many people dont get along with their family members and especially their in laws, but it takes a new level of low to call your SISTER garbage at your son’s christening.
On the other hand- I’m THRILLED that Danielle is no longer on this show. Watching her was uncomfortable for me. She gave me the creeps. And I think that her plotline went from amusing to actually dangerous for the other cast members so Im really glad she is gone.
And in regards to Simon’s performance: I caught some of that on WWHL. You know, just when I think Alex is a sensible and intelligent woman, she goes and allows her husband to do something like THAT. I dont care what it takes, I would have chained myself to my hubs leg rather than let him perform like that on purpose.