Aight, RHOBH RECAP here.

OK… So I’m annoyed at you Bravo. Dont go and tease us and pretend that the whole Kelsey/Camille thing is going to be a satisfying part of this episode when you are going to spend 45 minutes hanging out at Farrah’s graduation. (I didnt even want to go to my OWN graduation!)

Anyway, this is what’s up on ROHBH this week:

1. Lisa is getting possessive of Kyle and it’s weird. It’s the first time I have seen her act in a semi-loony tunes manner and I was alarmed. She warned Kyle that Taylor may have been stirring the Camille insanity pot back in NEW YORK. That dreadful awful place… at the sound of which Kyle shudders.

Then Taylor crashed their lunch date and started holding hands with Kyle and making sad watery puppy faces at her and I, like Lisa, wanted to smack them both and tell them to grow up.

2. Adrienne REALLLLY doesnt want to be on this show, or she does for business Maloofian purposes but she doesnt want to expose ANYTHING about her real life. So instead she stages this fake shopping date with her husband Paul (who later in this episode proves he is a genius) and they go to some department store and pretend shop.

How do I know its fake shopping? Because no woman ON EARTH, let alone one who is 10x richer than her husband, takes a husband who hates shopping to a department store after 8 years of marriage. She doesnt need his “permission” nor does she give a shit about his taste, so WHY OH WHY would she be shopping with him? I know I would NEVER EVER take my husband with me shopping because its a useless endevor, something that we would BOTH much rather do without. So Adrienne and Paul: Fake shopping scene.

3. I really wish I could dress Kyle. I hate all those floaty clothes she always wears. But I do love those green earrings!! Anyway, she picks out a diamond ring for Farrah for her graduation. I may just be particularly bratty, but it was kind of eh. Jewelry? I dunno, Im not a jewelry person. I guess Farrah must already have a car and a watch and who knows if she lives at home or if she needs her own place… but whatevs. She gets a ring for graduation. (When she gets it, she underreacts and Kyle calls her “subtle”. Isnt that code for dissapointed?)

4. Another potentially staged activity is Ken, Lisa and Cedric’s little trip to commission a wine at a winery. On the way Ken tells Cendric he has overstayed his welcome, and then later Cedric turns on the water works for Lisa saying – he is kidding right? You are like a mother to me… Are you going to leave me on the side of the road? BAH. I want to believe you Cedric, I really do. And I admire Lisa like 10000 x a billion for having such a caring and gentle soul…. but EVEN SO. Cedric must be in his 30s and was rescued by Lisa 15 years ago! You can still have a close and loving relationship with her – just like family- (btw Ceddy all her real life-much younger children HAVE already moved out!) and you can live just a short distance away. I’m sure you will still get to loaf around their pool even if you live 10-15 minutes away. Why doesnt Cedric WANT to get his own place? They would probably even pay for it! Is he allowed to bring boys back to Lisa’s? I wonder.

I just feel like, no matter how shitty your childhood, there is a point at which you have to stand up and say, OK- it happened and I’m not going to let this dictate the rest of my life. It’s a choice and we all make it at some point.

5. Camille’s daughter is pretty flexible and looks exactly like Kelsey.

6. Farrah’s Graduation Day. Kyle is nervous and teary because the famous part of the family cant make it. Doesnt she know that Paris and Nikki would just be upstaging Farrah anyway on her special day? She is really insistent on mentioning that she wanted “the whole family” to be together and you can tell that she thought this would be her moment to trot them out on this show and show how close they all REALLY are. I dunno…. I still like you Kyle, but a close personal relationship with the HILTONS wouldnt not be on the top of my bragging list.

Anyway, Kyle chooses the lesser evil of two non-flattering dresses and Farrah graduates.

Apparently, Kyle was married to a very strange dude named Gilgamesh- no really his name is Guraish- and he looks like how a Guraish would look. They got married really young, spawned, divorced but have always been respectful of each other. Very nice. Guraish looks EXACTLY like Farrah.

Then they have this big luncheon with family members and you know… cast mates.

Taylor comes and makes some excuse about how hard Russel was working and how she decided to come alone. Now Taylor. You dont need to overcompensate. I know for shit sure that my husband would not leave work in the middle of the afternoon to go to someone else’s kid’s graduation. NOT HAPPENING. Its not even expected if you ask me.

Paul, however, DID accompany his wifey to this fete and its a good thing he did. Because in 10 seconds flat he revealed how freakin genius he is.

{In which we realize Paul is smarter than he looks.}

See, Mauricio’s mom is a thrice PHDed sex therapist and apparently Adrienne learned nothing from dinner at Camille’s house , IE don’t ask someone to perform work duties like therapy or psychic readings at social events. Adrienne sits down Mauricio’s mom and starts asking her about her marital problems. We bicker. How can we keep it fresh? ETC ETC. At one point you can see Paul’s eyes glaze over then flash with a demonic but twisted wit and he leans over- while MOM is mid-sentence mind you, and says “We can just do a mini-face lift on you. We wouldnt touch your upper eyes but we would tighten.” KABAM!!!! Instant shut down. No more “Your marriage is not a competition talk”  and within 10 seconds Paul is handing her his card and shooing her away. AND THAT is how its done people.

Also at Farrah’s graduation, the Hilton’s CALL IN from Cannes on speaker. You can tell this is where their scene would be and Kyle is all pissed that she is the type of relative whose daughter’s graduation only warrants a phone call, not an actual show up- EVEN THOUGH she has her own show now too! Still not famous enough for the Hiltons, Kyle! Anyway, They send A PLANT and everyone is like – what the eff is this plant, especially the waiter who has to stand their carrying it while they chat on the phone. Then they mention the check and the extra zeros… and well. Whatever.

Also Kyle is genuinely emotional and moved and I’m so happy for her. Its nice that she is so proud of her daughter. I hope that my daughter makes me that proud one day.  I know that when my little girl graduates college I will probably be busting with pride. Hell, I was bragging for like 3 WEEKS after this year’s parent teacher conference- and she is 2!!!!

7. Now you are probably annoyed with me because I didnt discuss the meat and potatoes yet: Camille and Kelsey. And that’s kind of what the episode was like. All build up and no juice. So the story as told by Camille goes as follows: Kelsey calls her in the middle of the night, tells her its over, but that she should still come to the Tony’s and stand by his side. She gets to NY and is barred from her “tiny” 3500 s ft (On WWHL she says its really 1500 and she made a mistake on the show,but hunny that aint no 1500.That kitchen alone is 500 s ft!) apartment and she has to stay in a hotel room. Its a two story suite mind you, but it is a hotel room.

Then Kelsey shows up and its the weirdest thing I have ever seen. She is talking about her dresses, and what she is going to wear and if she should try them on, and its raining etc etc and he just does not give a shit. Like at all. Then she wears the dress he said NOT to wear (the other one is the one she wears with the little shoulder roll intros before her scenes) and comes down the stairs and tells him she loves him and everyone is around looking so awkward and then she kisses Nick on the lips again and says “Mmmmm Yummy”.

Arite- so then the real story is divulged on What What Happens Live with Andy. So some of you said that you liked her more after seeing that. I dont know about that. I want to believe her, I really do. But I just cant forget all the sicko things I have seen her say and do all season long.

Andy asks all the good questions: Do you have any friends that arent on the payroll? Why do you keep making out with Nick? Did Allison Dubois ever tell you that Kelsey was cheating on you? To which she replies with all the things she thinks we want to hear: Yes, DD is on the payroll, but she was my friend first! Nick is like my brother! And at that dinner, I think Allison was picking up on MY LIFE not Kyle’s. Clearly, she reads blogs.

Also, more stuff is going down with Camille, Kelsey and the press. Camille went on Howard Stern this week. (You guys know I am a DIE HARD fan of Howard right?) and said a whole load of crap about how They hadnt had sex in YEARS, and that they “tried” to have sex but couldnt and basically didnt deny that Kelsey cross dresses, wears her underwear and could be into men as well as women. You can hear it all HERE. Then Kelsey went on Letterman – yesterday- with his fiance and kids in the green room – and told everyone that he is getting married next month. (When Andy mentioned that, she said – “Yes, he uses them as props.”)

The whole thing is getting ugly.

So what I think was happening is this: OBVIOUSLY Camille and Kelsey’s marriage had denigrated into a “business” relationship like Taylor’s long ago. It must have been so crappy for so long that affairs we tolerated. Hers with Nick, his with whoever. And she probably just assumed they would continue leading their lives but that he would never actually want to move on from their situation. So I do believe her when she says she was blindsided. Blindsided, not because they had been so happy, but because- what has changed that made you want to leave me now suddenly, when we have lived this lie in peace for so long?

And those are my thoughts. Bravo better bring it next week, and lord knows I cant WAIT for that reunion! Party at my house people!