You put lipstick on a pig, its still a pig.

Caroline Manzo is full of such quotes and I still love her. In next week’s preview she says ” If you hang around with garbage you start to stink!” Gotta lover her. Also when you google “Caroline Manzo” “Caroline Manzo Son” pops up. Ahhh, Albie.

Real Housewives of NJ does not deserve a recap, it was more of just a little catch up episode. I just want to say three things about it until I get to the New York chicks.

#1. I want to make red sauce with Teresa.

#2. I wanted to SMACK Danielle’s daughter Allison when she smirked like all hell about her sexual activity with a pimple faced 23 year old who works at block buster. She looked so proud. Gloating. In front her parents, on TV.

#3. Dina has the two ugliest dogs on earth.

OK…. on to the good stuff.

Real Housewives of New York this week was BEYOND. It was just the kind of juicy craziness we love. Plus a few new things.

In no particular order, my comments:

#1. Jill, when you have a screaming match with more than one person at a party, its probably YOU.

#2. Bethany crying about her dad was very sad, what was also strange was how discolored she looked. Did anyone else notice that she looked like an overexposed photo on the way to the airport?

#3. Gotham Magazine has lost all credibility. Not only do they PAY Kelly to write for them, BUT they ALSO threw a party for her, AND they let her think she invented taking photos of street fashion.

#4. Luann is the most torturous person on the show. I CANT STAND HER. STOP DEFENDING JILL. You are not her Mommy. More like her lackey lap dog Ginger. ALSO, why are you dating that guy from Sex and the City who Samantha had sex with when she thought she was going through menapause? You know that creepy old guy who laughs with his tounge hanging out of his mouth? EW. Baby Boomers gone bad.

#5. They have a new friend, but I am so distrustful of these editors at Bravo that I imagine there is some purpose to allowing her to appear on TV other than just “she is their friend.” She must be married to some higher up…. Something is fishy in Bravo Town, especially since her party had only the housewives, no food and no music. They should just call it a set already.

#6. Luann takes the girls to a spa, and we see a tender NYC moment. The women are endearing when they admit how their divorces hurt them, raising children alone is terrifying and how sad it is when their husbands no longer loved them.

#7. Jill is a liar. Alex told her about Bethany’s father being deathly ill and she didnt bother to try to call her then. ALSO, she only misses Bethany now because she wants to be part of the action somehow. She needs to be involved so she can somehow still have the attention on her. She cannot let Bethany move on. I still don’t understand why Alex’s message was so devastating to her. She essentially said the same thing to Bethany and to a billion other people a few HUNDRED times.

#8. Avery is my favorite person on the show. WHY is Ramona getting married again, other than that she needs a plot line this season? Why would someone bother to do this again? I could barely get through it the first time! I would much prefer a second honeymoon to a second wedding!

#9. Ramona showed a lot of sense in her fight with Jill at the ”party.” I actually agreed with her, and I loved that she told Jill that she didnt want to get involved because the last time she did Jill told B to F off and made her cry. SPOT ON Ramona!

#10. ALEX was so amazing in her little speech. I loved it.

“You are in high school. YOu are a mean girl and you are in high school. And while you are in high school, I am in Brooklyn, trying to make a living and raise a family in this economy.”

LOVED IT. wanted to slap everyone who smirked and poor dumb Kelly who was sitting right between them!

She also said “ I dont want to you to tell me whats wrong with my children, I dont want you to tell me whats wrong with my house, I dont want you to tell me whats wrong with my husband.”

To which Jill replied … .”Well then, I guess we cant be friends because thats me.”

Sorry Jill, that was SUCH an immature response. I don’t give people passes on being inhumane because its part of their “personalities.” In that case, Hitler should be forgiven because “that’s just him”… Everyone can give that excuse and its unacceptable! If someone has a big mouth, does that mean they shouldn’t be held responsible for the things they say? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Like if Jill were to call me and say, I cant believe you wrote this mean stuff about me, according to her I could just answer her, well thats just me, you don’t have to be friends with me. HAHA.

Anything else…. Hmmmmmm… Oh yes. Sanja?Sonja? Sonya? is my new favorite housewife. She is not fluent in housewife like the rest of them, and so her performance is a little more authentic. Also that party that she threw at her house, that was what real UES people look like… Mummies. Did you see that? There are points when Sonja looks like she might be 35, and then other points where she might be 60… and for all her sex talk, she really does look like she just hopped out of bed in some scenes. Who agrees?

Ok… I need comments. I dont write these recaps for my health, people. I write them so we can all discuss!!!

**** Just learned that BETHANY HAD A BOY!

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Comments

  1. RHONJ SUUUUUCKED. The only interesting thing that happened was when Teresa’s daughter said she didn’t want to marry a Jewish person (and I’m a Jew, so I can laugh dammit!).

    RHONYC!? The most epic season yet. I am so disgusted with Jill, I might not be able to stop myself from punching her if I ran into her on the street. She needs to get a friggin life, get a friggin clue and get a friggin make-up lesson (NOTE: black, smokey eyes are not appropriate for a daytime look, Jill). Luann has lost it and is just a big ball of pathetic at this point…if she is not the direct cause of every conflict on that show, she is standing by fanning the flames. Ramona is cray cray as per u, though always fun to watch and Sonja rules. Alex and Simon have totally won me over this season (and I met them a couple of weeks ago at a reading here in BK!) and Bethenney rocks. I didn’t even catch that new chick’s name…

  2. Design Blahg (ok, hilarious name) agreed on the eye makeup, and the fake horrible tranny lashes are not a good look for Jill as well! And Bobby speaking to Alex was waaay creepy!
    Nicole…you have the BEST recaps!!! Dying over 2, 3 and 5! And AVERY! OMG…she is like the Greek Choir here, the only voice of reason! And, she even has a cute room and great style too!
    Can not wait for Jersey to fully kick in! I think Dina’s animals are cats…creepy, alien, freakazoid cats!
    xx
    Happy Mother’s Day mama!

  3. Nicole Cohen says:

    Cats! You are right! Oh god.

    Avery….If you find this blog and read this, just know we all love you.

    Thanks Zhush! You too!!

  4. I love your recap and agree with everything.
    We watch the Housewives at work, and man you could be there saying all the very same things we say.
    The Cuntess making out is the worst. Love love love Baby Boomers Gone Bad ha ha.
    Sonya’s sex talk makes me suspect she isn’t getting any.
    Jill’s false eyelashes are so heavy they made her go insane this season.
    And would think Ramona would be the sensible one ha ha.
    And Alex the one who has it all!!!
    And Kelly acting “nice”.
    And Baby Mama Bethany!
    Haven’t seen the Jersey Girls yet.
    And babe, you are loved even if we lazy ass wipes don’t comment.
    xo xo

  5. ok…my thoughts.
    RHONJ: if caroline weren’t so ugly she might be pretty.
    i don’t get the albie thing. he looks like he smells like cologne.

    ok. RHONY.
    this season by far is the best season ever. it is most certainly not boring. i watched this episode last night and was literally riveted to my couch. rigid. while i agree that jill is a cunt this season i think this might be largely due to the fact that she has no one close to talk to. luann is pathetic and i think even jill can see that. jill has gone through a lot and no this doesn’t excuse her behavior. but i think she is lonely and scared and this somehow brings out the worst in her. the ONLY reason i am coming to her defense in any way is i remember how last year i loved her, wanted to be her friend and might have stalked her if i lived in NYC or at the very least tried to get a job at zarin fabrics. so i think she deserves a second chance or at least the benefit of the doubt. i mean she cries at the drop of a hat. she is sad yo. she wants bethenney back and she needs to do a bit of grovelling here to get back in our good graces i think. lets not write her off completely.

    sonja = meryl streisand

    alex: oh alex. she is trying to speak up for herself i get that. but it seems fake and forced. it seems to me like the bravo execs put her up to the messenger thing. do you REALLY think bethenney would actually tell alex to say that?!?!? unless i missed something did anyone actually SEE bethenney tell alex to say this? maybe i am wrong. let me know if i am. in any case it seems like a set up.

    favorite line this episode: jennifer the newest HW says, “what’s up with luann’s date? he’s got bad hair and he’s gay”. first off i think we all collectively thought it but i am in love with the fact that she said it in front of jill. she is clearly not trying to kiss anyone’s ass.

    the moaner wedding is cool with me because it means these bitches all get on a boat next week and get wasted! happy times for me at home.
    can’t wait!!
    thanks for the recap!!
    xo
    j

  6. Nicole Cohen says:

    Vamp-You might be right on Sonja and her sex life… hmmm….

    MYFAMB Meryl Streisand is the BEST CALL ever. I was thinking she looked a little like Meryl, but you really nailed it.

    Ok on Jill, last season, I too LOVED HER. Wanted to be her bff… but its not just her behavior with Bethany that makes me think she is a bitch… everything she says about EVERYONE is so biting and nasty. For example, Luann sends an evite for that dumb party. “really countess” was my thought..but Jill goes and blurts out “I guess you didnt care that much to send a proper formal invitation” or something like that.

    Then Ramona is getting married, cut to tranny face saying “17 years is NOT a landmark year, I guess every year is a landmark year married to HER!” and its just not coming off as cute anymore. Maybe she has gone through a lot. Lets see a turn around. If she repents and apologizes to everyone for stomping on them I will consider forgiving her.

    Also, if someone talked shit about my kid, my house or my husband, I would be A LOT meaner that Alex. Im talking physical violence.

    I also agree about the producers… I’m suspect of everything. Alex did look like she was on a mission from hell during BOTH of her little confrontations. On this show, they know when they are going to be filming and who they are going to see. They kinda know the plot line they are going to follow. Its not like Real World where they film 24/7 and then the editors select the plotlines from heaps of tape.

    I think they plan it out in advance.

  7. me too on the family thing..i would fucking karate chop a persons head off for talking shit about superfamily.

  8. Oh, I was waiting for your recap. Couldn’t agree more about everything. And what’s with this Jennifer person? She just observes and enjoys the action, without doing anything? Bravo’s way off adding new players to the game is so obvious and ridiculous.

  9. sorry for all the italics. HTML gone bad :)

    • Nicole Cohen says:

      So is it confirmed that Jennifer is going to be a new cast mate? I cant take this anymore. The originals are more than enough for me to handle. NO MORE! Unless you get rid of people, stop adding new housewives. I nominate Kelly for DUMPING. She doesnt show us her real life anyway. She uses it like a PR stunt and she sucks.

  10. great post as usual!

  11. Yes, I read it somewhere. Kelly is a 10 years old, and as for authenticity- I don’t think Luann shows her real life (except for the divorce) either.

  12. stephanie says:

    i loved how jill kept telling alex not to make a scene and ruin Jennifers party right after she cried histerically and yelled at ramona for not telling her bethanys father died!

  13. I TOTALLY agree with the Jill rant. One of my clients dressed her and we sat her front row at her show and she. is. awful. YUCK. I don’t think she realizes that we can see her.

  14. peg r says:

    How come Jill got so pissed at Ramona for not telling her ’bout B’s dad, but Alex called Jill out for texting about it before the “party”. I too loved Jill before, but maybe now her true colors are showing. She’s just been mean for no reason over and over again. That smirk she shows to camera says alot.
    Yeah, Bobby was creepy talkin’ sh*t to Alex, but he didnt say anything to Mario last season?!?
    Luann and Coert.UGH

  15. Sarina says:

    Nicole,

    I recently discovered this blog and I must say, it is AWESOME.

    A few things to touch on:

    1) Kelly on the table: “I’ve never stood on a table before…yaaayyyy!!” Jill: “I find that hard to believe.” As much as I hate to give Jill credit for anything right now, it was the best line she said all season. Is Kelly semi-retarded? “hiiiii, yayyyy.” blech.

    2) LuMann you are so despicable this season and that tongue-out date of yours was scary. And great call on the Sex and the City guy. Speaking of Sex and the City, that woman who went to lunch with Ramona at Fig & Olive a few episodes ago? I’m convinced she was Samantha’s lesbian lovaahh.

    3) How is it possible that Avery turned out so normal with a mother like Ramona? I love her too. “I want you to be my maid of honor.” “I’d rather just watch…” She’s amazing.

    A bit off topic, but still on Bravo, are you watching 9 By Design???

    • Nicole Cohen says:

      Hey Sarina,

      Welcome to the blog! Im glad you like it!
      Yes, kelly is semi-retarded and that line from Jill was pretty funny.
      That friend of Ramona from fig & olive reminds me of Amalita (the italian girl who buys carrie shoes from D&G) but the brazilian lesbian lover is also a good call!

      Avery…. we should start an Avery fan club.

      Yes, I am watching 9 by design… I wrote about it a few weeks ago. What are your thoughts on it?

  16. Sarina says:

    I am in love with the show. What they’re doing is insane, but I really want to be their nanny so that I can live in their latest home….that is if they haven’t moved out already. Also, the kids are pretty darn cute. I melted from Breaker’s style segment.
    My only question is, how are they not afraid to let these children into these beautifully furnished pads? All it takes is one chocolatey finger to destroy a nice white couch….
    Loved the letters that spelled out “family” in the kitchen. The Fritos “F”, The All “A”, M&M “M”…super creative.
    What’d you think of the shark desk?

    • Nicole Cohen says:

      I love courtney, kinda want to beat up the husband, and I would NEVER want to be their nanny!

      I dont know how they let their kids run free in the house except that they tend to leave a lot of open space… also the dining chairs were leather or vinyl and that probably helps a lot.

      I think that shark desk is the UGLIEST thing I ever saw. I hate it!

  17. Sarina says:

    Couldn’t agree with you more on jaws. I just don’t understand why that needed to be in the house. But I still love it and that view must be awesome to wake up to every morning. PS, my heart stopped for a minute when the kids were on the balcony Windex-ing the windows without supervision.
    Kinda wished that Rainbow (star) was real and that they had hired her, she would have been classic. Though their faces during the interview made up for the hoax.
    Love Courtney and yes the husband is kind of annoying. “Are you Hung-ary”, no dork. Go crane a desk through a window or something.
    Anyhoo, hoping to marry a Jewish guy cuz supposedly they worship their husbands (my mom would plead otherwise) and maybe I can hire Court to decorate my house someday. And I can make my kids “wear their hair like diiiss” (curl finger near ear while reciting this line)

  18. Nicole Cohen says:

    I know plenty of jewish husbands who are dogs and plenty who are sweet as pie… just like any other guys I guess!! Teresa’s daughter made me laugh! Too funny.

    Rainbow was so fn funny. I knew it was a prank though, I just felt it. But courtneys face was beyond priceless!

    I would be really really scared to have 7 kids in a house with that many balconies.

  19. Delilah says:

    of course it’s all staged. Jill wants back with Bethanny now that B has her own show and is a bigger Media Hog. Whatever. Glad to see the only housewife who works AND raises her kids is represented with some dignity. Go Alex, only one who has any substance.

  20. My stylist sent me the link to this post. Do you by any chance have any more related info that I can read? I enjoy your writing style. Thanks.

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