I know you guys are missing SGM’s recaps right now. I know she had real life calling her, but how could she ditch us in the middle of the Real Housewives of NYC season?

I have found a suitable replacement. I actually read the recap before I watched the episode this week, which kinda screwed

it up for me. It warped my mind so that I couldnt write my own recap. I wasnt capable of thinking new thoughts. I’m talking about New York Mag’s aptly named VULTURE column. I will be quoting and commenting on the recap below:

There was a time, we are now embarrassed to admit, when we found the sight of this group of skinny, shallow women squabbling with one another funny, or at least entertaining. But during last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of New York City, as the battles before us raged with more terrible, stupid, senseless ferocity than ever before, we changed our minds. Watching these hungry, desperate women warily circle each other, pounce, and then attempt to tear each other limb from limb was no longer fun. It was terrible. What are they even fighting about anymore? Do they even know? It doesn’t seem like they do, and cast members’ wild-eyed ignorance — combined with their heightened aggression and muscle tone this season — is starting to make us suspect that Bravo’s producers have been slipping steroids into their Pinot Grigio. I couldnt agree more… From the first episode of this season, everyone seemed so CRANKY! All bets are off…. I used to like Jill & Bethany the best. Now I hate them both and I kinda like Kelly. I cant believe it, but she manages to string sentences together these days!

The Real Housewives of New York City is like the 21st-century version of the Gladatorial games, we realized.That’s genius. A spectacle put forth in front of us to feed our own terrible, bloodthirsty urges. And as in ancient Rome, there are no real winners on this show. The only prize is surviving to fight another day, and those days are numbered. But since we have made it our business to declare a winner of every episode, we will solider on. But after this episode, we will also be declaring a Super Loser, who, in our opinion, should be fed straight to the lions.

They had a lot of other comments about each Housewife’s role in the show this week…

LuAnn is still doing the double-kiss thing in odd situations, and used the term stage instead of “internship,” when talking to Victoria. Barf. But she’s toned down the jewelry and is sweet with Victoria when talking about whether or not she should start dating Yes. Stage was awful.

Last night, Ramona demonstrated that she is not merely a husk filled with Pinot Grigio and Styrofoam peanuts by displaying her knowledge of textiles, even though she did it in a bossy and jerky way. Wrong. She is a husk filled with Pino Grigio. Bethenny quite rightly points out that “Diarrhea of the mouth is not a real ailment.” I hate nothing more than when people point to other people’s characteristics and say ” You know Ramona, she likes to say ridiculous and insulting things, thats just her…” NO. Bethany is quite right. She is not suffering from a disease called “Cant shut up” and hence she should be held accountable for her big mouth!

We love that Alex, in her effort to get the girls to celebrate “Brooklyn Fashion Weekend,” could only get them to come down to Cipriani Wall Street. Brooklyn Fashion Weekend. Anyway, Alex seems like the only normal one these days. Aside from Simon.

We can’t believe we’re saying this, but almost every time Kelly opened her mouth last night, like to say, “I think a lot of people are curious what I look like without my clothes on,” or “I’m more of an ‘Oh yeah!’ than an ‘OHMMM’ person” or, “Right now I’m reading the books that my children are reading.” it was like the sun bursting through a cloudy sky. It was cute how she got giddy about her interview with the Playboy journalist, and thought he was “super-smart” for reading the The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, even though literally everyone on the subway is reading it. The fact that in her interviews her chest had been tanned to the color of roasted chestnuts and the way she got gloaty about her ex-husband, Gilles Bensimon (“There’s no one bigger than Gilles,” she said. “The next person in my life is going to be someone major like that”), was a little disturbing. Ummm…. She still freaks me out a little. Her flirting was strange, her chest was burnt and her ex-husband is very old.

And now I bring you to this:

It’s our new game: it’s called Why Jill Zarin is a Disgusting Person! Ooh! Ooh! We’re going to be so good at this one! We’ll start, then you guys go in the comments:
Everything must always be about Jill: At her own poor daughter’s first fashion shoot forSeventeen (Fun fact: Most of Seventeen’s readers are actually adult women!), Jill insists on being the center of attention, bringing her own friends to the set and humiliating her daughter by making her feel ridiculous. Kelly thought that this attention grab worked because it was a distraction, but that was really only because Jill was moving and wearing something shiny at the same time, and Kelly couldn’t look away. Jill was super repulsive at the fashion shoot. Its embarrassing enough to be the “curvy” body type…
She is a a lying creep: She so obviously lied about talking to Perez Hilton and pretended to not know about the gossip items she planted. Then she lied by saying, “Honestly I wish you the best, and I always have, and always will.” That was a whopper — a bald-faced, over-eye-shadowed, yappy, tummy-tucked, pretend-marriaged lie. Then she lied by saying she had to put Bethenny on speaker because she was “doing ten things” (which, to be fair, Bethenny should have seen right through) and she lied by omission by not telling her LuAnn was there. Yes, Jill, that is a lie. If we said in a nice tone to you that we think of you often, it would be a lie, too, because we’d be omitting the fact that when we think about you, it gives us a rash.That was totally WRONG. Mean girl territory Jill. You are on TV, btw! Did you not realize how mean and crappy you are making yourself look ON TV?
She is a Teflon frenemy: In Jill’s world, nothing sticks to her. She never talked shit about people she talked shit about, she never lied, she never did anything wrong. In fact, she makes up arbitrary rules of what people should have done in the past so that she can accuse them of misbehavior in the present. To us it sounds like Bethenny behaved perfectly well with Bobby’s illness, the severity of which she did not know (thyroid cancer, while obviously traumatic like cancer of any kind, is one of the most treatable cancers humans can get). But Jill is making up reasons to be mad, because that makes good television, and by now we realize that Bravo has made a special deal with the devil for a VIP room for its stars in the afterlife so Jill knows she can pull this crap and will still get bottle service in Hades. Sorry VULTURE, Bethany is a fair weather friend who ditched her girls the second she got a boyfriend !(Jason, havent ya heard? She has a boyfriend, his name is Jason. She only dates people named Jason.) She spent summers with Bobby…. Not cool to pretend he is just her friend’s husband, and doesn’t deserve his own call. Bethany was very self centered and I can TOTALLY see why Jill would be rully, rully mad. BUT, she is acting like an UBER bitch about it.
She’s a hypocrite: Bethenny was right, we checked Patrick McMullan. Jill was out partying and posing for pictures nearly every weekend last summer while her husband, who supposedly required constant care and feeding, was undergoing and recuperating from surgery.I dont know about this. I know someone who had Thyroid Cancer. It took a few weeks of radioactive therapy, I think, but then life resumed. Just cause Jill went to parties, doesnt mean Bethany couldnt have called Bobby.
She’s an underminer: The minute Kelly starts talking about this new guy she likes, Jill looks for flaws. Then later, in a confessional, she says Kelly is the one that’s too picky. Hey Jill: Guess what? Kelly is pretty. Handsome guys will hit on her. That has nothing to do with you and whether or not you’re going to stay famous enough to get a handful of free blowouts. Yes. Jill is mean and jealous of the pretty girls. BTW, watching Kelly flirt was nothing short of scary. She is so bad at flirting, it was embarrassing to watch.
She’s a bully: Jill won’t even let Kelly be friends with Bethenny. “I thought you really cared,” she said, in an ominously threatening missive. Poor girl underestimated Kelly, thinking she was too much of an airhead to see right through her. She’d have known better than to try that on LuAnn or Alex. (Sorry Ramones.) Very Big Bully.
She’s a coward: It’s been months. Stop hiding from Bethenny. The only reason you could possibly have for not wanting to have this out with her in person, without the comfort of a “disconnect” button, is that you’re afraid Bethenny would out-argue and out-funny you. Which is what this is all about, anyway, this battle. I think the thing is that Jill feels very rejected because Bethany did ditch her because she no longer needs Jill to mother her and protect her. Jill is picking this fight as a way to say, Hey Bethany, I dont need you either. I dont want you in my life anymore needing me. But she really does need a needy person at her side. Now she has Luann for that. Ramona said it best(a scary thing) “Jill likes an underdog.”
She’s got the same style of arguing as Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church:You know, that stupid, specious style of bitchery where you replace arguments and thought with childish faces and meaningless questions ( “What does disproportionate mean?” and “I don’t think it’s really important why it’s so enormous,” for example). This makes your opponents so mad that they actually end up assaulting you, which makes you win the argument by default, and then you can actually sue the person who assaulted you for a lot of money over free speech. Awesome, FredJill! See you at the next Iraq vet’s funeral! She was a kinda zen arguer. Answering every statement with a question or non-statement statement.
She can only be near sycophants: LuAnn is off the hook for this. She’s recovering from a divorce and needs to concentrate on someone other than herself for a while. Yes. See above.
She revels in making other people feel terrible: This is maybe the worst quality that exists in human beings. It is shared by people who mistreat waitstaff and say xenophobic things about cab drivers as though they can’t hear, even though everybody is in the same car. VULTURE, I need proof of this. If you are going to say shit like that, we would like some examples.

Did you like the Vulture Recap? How are you feeling about RHONY this season? I think it sucks so far.